One month since glory

Today marks one month since Aaron was called home by our Lord and Savior. It was a better day than I had expected. It is hard to be sad for the person you loved when he is no longer suffering, no longer hurting, and seeing and experiencing more beauty and wonder than I can even imagine. The most difficult part about this post was thinking about all he had suffered and endured. He was a brave, strong, faithful man.

I like to imagine Daddy singing in Heaven.

Benjamin and I have been busy over the past month as we adjust to a new normal. As I set up my computer and began the process of unpacking, I found pictures on my camera of the month prior to Aaron's death. It was amazing how much he still tried to do, that this was actually our norm, and that it was only and already a month since he went Home.

This is a glimpse into our last month-ish (12/1/2012-1/9/2013) together:

12/1: This was the last time I remember Aaron holding Benjamin in his lap to read him something. I begged Aaron to put a stack of books next to his recliner and just read to Ben but it was too much energy for him. If only I had known what was to come, I may not have been so frustrated.

Thank you for the card, cousin Ethan!

12/1: Here is Aaron decorating the Christmas tree for our 6th and final Christmas as husband and wife.

Mamma always loved when Daddy put the ornaments on the tree.

12/3: Benjamin and I went to Rite Aid to pick up Aaron's medications. All the pharmacists and techs recognized me and only asked to verify name for legal reasons because I came in so often.

Mamma's blood pressure was a little high that day...wonder why.

12/4: Breakfast with Ben the morning of Aaron's CT scan and appointment where we were told we had 3-12 months left as a family of 3.

I like ketchup on everything, just like my Uncle Erich!

12/6: Back to Hillman Cancer Center. This time it was an emergency pain appointment to regulate his pain medications again. The clinic squeezed us in, hence the room...

There were lots of fun things to touch. I think Mamma got her exercise that day.

12/8: Our last date night. Aaron was not a theater man but he knew my love of the fine arts and would by me tickets to a ballet, play, or musical every year for my birthday. We went to see a Musical Christmas Carol after dinner at the Olive Garden. He tried so hard to enjoy the show but kept falling asleep because of all the medication and the toll the cancer was taking on his body.

My darling

12/13: The day before this Aaron had asked me to let our giraffe in from the backyard. He also told me how proud he was that Benjamin knew his genealogy 6 generations back and that it was obvious I had really been working with him. I told myself he was probably just exhausted and at least he was getting a break from the pain. It was a choice between confusion and disorientation or uncontrollable pain. The morning of the 13th, Aaron was due for a blood test and had a hard time remembering the three things he needed to do before we left the house: eat breakfast, brush his teeth, and get dressed.

Just getting some train time in before my play date

12/13 cont: Fortunately, Benjamin was scheduled to go with some friends from church for a play date. Aaron was admitted to the hospital and I was told to begin getting our legal papers together and be sure they were done before Christmas because they weren't sure he would fully recover from the confusion. Benjamin had his first and only sleep over at his girlfriend's house while Aaron and I had another "night away."

TRAIN TRACKS!!!!

12/19: Breakfast with Ben the morning after Aaron was discharged from the hospital with a PICC line.

I love breakfast with Mamma!

12/20: Baba and Grammy stayed in Pittsburgh to celebrate Christmas with us. We were so grateful not to have to do our gift exchange in the hospital!

The annual calendar!

 12/21: Resting after an eventful, emotionally draining, physically exhausting week.

Good to be home. He was so glad to be back in his chair.

12/21 (cont): I distinctly remember this moment. I had just gotten Benjamin up from his epically long nap, wrapped him in a blanket and sat in my old plaid chair in our living room. It was gently snowing outside. I looked to my right to see Aaron sleeping in his chair wrapped up in his plaid blanket and felt Benjamin's head on my shoulder as we snuggled. It was the most peaceful I had felt since the very beginning of 2010.

What a beautiful reminder of the gift we have received in Christ.

12/21 (cont): Praise the Lord! We were able to celebrate Christmas as our little family of three with scripture reading, a small gift exchange, and Chinese food for dinner!

Daddy wasn't feeling well so Mamma pulled him and his chair by the tree to help open gifts!

Cars!

12/22: In the midst of chaos, there was consistency. We enjoyed a lovely visit from the Pickett family, our last "just for fun" visitors!

Why are we all playing in my crib? Do I really need to share? Sharing is overrated!

12/24: Aaron was able to attend Christmas Eve service with us! What a blessing! Although, it was extremely hard on him physically. That night we had to call the on-call palliative care nurse because Aaron was having a lot of stomach discomfort and some vomiting.

12/25: Bupa, Nana, Uncle Erich, Aunt Shell, and Baby Gracie were in town to celebrate Christmas with us! Sadly, Aaron was still having stomach discomfort and he was still vomiting and unable to eat. We still enjoyed our time with family as best we could.

Baby Gracie has the best hair ever!

Just taking some time in my new bean bag chair to reminisce about our summer vacation.

Daddy really tried hard to be involved in the gift exchange. He was really excited about this quilt!

12/26: Back to the hospital. This time we were picked up in an ambulance in the middle of a snow storm! With a bowel obstruction confirmed, he was transported to his usual hospital near Hillman Cancer Center.

12:27: This was the day Dr. Tawbi (Aaron's amazing oncologist) called me from Canada on his family vacation to answer some questions I had sent to him via e-mail. It was the day I was told we had 2-3 weeks left together, which I already knew in the back of my mind. That afternoon, after Aaron came back from another test, I had the most difficult job of telling him his doctor, his advocate, thought he only had 2-3 more weeks left on this earth. Aaron held my hand as I sobbed and choked out the words. He looked at me with such calm and said, "It is hard to imagine, when I look in the mirror, that it will be that soon."

12/29: This was the picture of Aaron we sent to my dad to show my brother and sister before they came out so they knew what to expect.

He was so brave.

1/1/2013: Grandpa Jim, Grandma Jen, Aunt Cece, and Uncle Cal came to the house for a gift exchange with Benjamin. Praise God for technology! We were able to Skype with Aaron at the hospital so he could watch Ben open his gifts!

TRAIN TRACKS!!!!!!!!!

1/2: Aaron was discharged from the hospital with hospice care. We arrived home by ambulance to a hospital bed in our living room and nurses ready to come over and show us how to use everything. When the nurse asked Aaron if he had any questions, his reply was, "How does it usually happen? I mean, will I just stop breathing or something?" Yes, he was that courageous to stare death in the face because he knew God stood with him.

1/5: As Aaron got weaker, he slept more and became less verbal. I had the great pleasure to sit alone with him and singing him the hymns he had chosen for his funeral services. "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" was the hymn we sang before both his surgeries. If you do not know it, please look it up. It is full of great encouragement.

"What have I to dread? What have I to fear?" "I have blessed peace with my Lord so near."

1/5 (cont): I decided that I needed to capture what we had learned to call normal.

Living room: Aaron's bed on the right

Entry way: supplies were near his bed in case we needed something

Standing in the dining room looking in to the living room and entry way

Emergency oxygen tank (fortunately he never need oxygen) and the couch, which was my bed for our last week together.

Kitchen counter/Pharmacy

I hung this dry erase board over his bed so I could keep track of his medication schedule

1/9: Aaron took his last breath at 5:00 am. The picture below was taken that afternoon as Benjamin ate his lunch and I laid on the couch. I just remember feeling like everything had changed and yet it all looked the same.

My beautiful distraction

Benjamin and I have now lived one month in transition, beginning a new normal. Aaron has had the great privilege of living this last month in paradise! What a joy, encouragement, overwhelming grace we have as children of God to know that "...In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I [Jesus] have overcome the world." (John 16:33b). I am so grateful that Aaron never has to remember the pain and heartache of these past few years. I am also grateful for the peace and comfort the Lord has provided to me. He has renewed my spirit, given me the perseverance to endure the trial, and has now placed His blessings before my eyes and in my heart that I may look to the future He has for me with excitement and joy. To God be all the glory!