Reasons

I used to be the woman who tried to come up with the reasons to why God allowed something to happen.

"This happened so that..." "Well, it seems that this is why this happened..."

How prideful! How foolish! How small my God seems to be!

After Aaron's death, I found comfort in identifying and naming unique blessings as reasons why I didn't have to let it hurt so bad. Spiritual and emotional growth that happened to explain away the confusion of the death of the man I thought would share my life and partner in raising our children.

Reasons make it better, right? When things make sense they don't hurt so bad, right?

Beloved, God is God. God is supernatural. God sees the end before you even get to the beginning. God is the Creator. He is imaginative and truthful and loving and just and pure. I think God can also be confusing. Yup, confusing and I am grateful.

I don't want a small god. I do not worship a small god. My God is the God who spoke all things into to existence and order and life. My God is the God who raised men from the dead and yet died for me. My God is the God who causes life to come from death.

How silly to think I could explain something so intricate and delicate and supernatural as the witness, whole-hearted love, and death of a 30 year old man who lived his life completely devoted to his First Love!

Maybe we had to endure this pain so that my late husband's life would lead many to Christ. Maybe I have endured this tragedy to be able to meet others in their tragic pain. Maybe my Ben has to endure this hardship to refine and tenderize his heart to his Heavenly Father.

My Daddy and me both at 4 years old

I don't know why my powerful and loving God allowed Aaron to suffer through cancer and die. When Ben asks, I tell him the best I know: God has a purpose for each soul on this earth. Once our purpose is accomplished, we are released from this world and called Home to be with Him. "Daddy was done with the work God had for him so Jesus called him Home to Heaven. We are still here so there is more for us to do! There is still more that God is going to do in and through us!"

Knowing the "why" won't fill the hole in our hearts or our lives. Knowing the Who will bring healing. My God brings life out of death and He is faithful.

"You have no idea..."

"You think you are tired now, you have no idea."

"You think you are short on time now, you have no idea."

"You have no idea how this little one will change your life."

"You think you give and receive love, just wait until this little one is born. You have no idea."

You guys. I had no idea! I had no idea how exhausted and energized and bored and creative and flabbergasted and speechless and awed and empty and full motherhood would be. I had no idea how long the days (and nights) would be and how quick the years would pass. I had no idea your heart could expand to completely fill your entire body to the brink of bursting from a smile. I thought I knew. I had read the books and talked with the parent friends. I heard it so many times: You have no idea.

I had no idea.

I'm feeling a little like that almost-to-delivery-day 26 year old pregnant woman/new mom again. I am standing on the edge of a new life, wondering what the reality will really be like. I've done my best to prepare but there is just no way to fully prepare.

On Tuesday, my one and only, the little one who cried because his favorite teddy needed to go in the wash, this little light of my life, my boy who has to be sung his lullaby to at bed time, this little 5-going-on-50 boy will leave my house, get in a vehicle with a bunch of other people's tiny humans, and go to school. I will no longer be the person who spends the most daylight hours with him. I will hear stories of what he did without me. I will have to let go a little more. And it is good and it is hard.

And as he sleeps, snuggling his entourage of stuffies (Corduroy Bear, Ben Bunny, Daddy Bunny, the one armed Christmas Monkey, and Blankie), I just remind myself that I have no idea. I have no idea how this next chapter will look. I have no idea how much our lives and the rhythm of it will change. I have no idea what the Lord will do in us through school. I have no idea what the Lord will do through us in those we meet. I have no idea how much he will learn and grow. And I have no idea how much I will learn and grow.

What I do know is this: my little man is ready, I am anxiously excited, and God is going to do amazing things through my boy. The world needs my sweet Ben: his laughter, his tender-heart, and his compassion.

Kindergarten, you think you are ready for Ben. You have no idea.

That time Ben brought me to my knees with a bedtime story

Ben has a book called "Daddy and Me." I made this book as a gift from Ben to Aaron for his last Christmas on Earth. Aaron was really struggling with how little time God had allowed for him to have in Ben's life and wondered if he had really made any impact on our sweet boy. If only he could see him now!

Ben and Aaron at 4 yr.

We've read "Daddy and Me" lots of times with lots of story telling and laughter over all the silly and sweet things Daddy and Ben did together and it warms my heart to see Ben's eyes light up. Daddy hugged him, cuddled him, bathed him, walked with him, played with him, all in pictures for proof. It is one of Ben's favorite books.

Tonight, Ben chose this book as his bedtime story but it was different this time. About half-way through my tenderhearted, thoughtful son looked at me with tears in his eyes. "Mamma, it's so sad that I only had a daddy when I was a little baby. I really miss my daddy. I wish he could see me now. Do you think he knows how old I am?" What do you say to that? How can I take the hurt away and make it better? I can't kiss the boo-boo left on his heart.

Love

We cried. We talked about how it is ok to miss Daddy. We talked about what we would do or say if we could talk to Daddy. Then we kept reading the book. As I closed the book Ben did what he usually does without realizing it, he pointed me straight to the Cross. "Mamma, did Daddy teach me how to love the Lord?" Oh sweet boy, with every breath your daddy breathed, even to the very last breath, that was his prayer and desire.

Snuggles

I sang Ben the lullaby I've sung to him since he was an infant, kissed his forehead, turned out the light, and closed the door. Half-way down the hall I dropped to my knees in tears. Pleading, questions, and praise fill my heart. Jesus, I can't do this. You are going to have to carry me. Jesus, in Your power, equip me and strengthen me in my weakness. God, why did You allow him to suffer and die so young? Why does my baby have to endure this? Why does he need to learn the delicate balance of moving forward without leaving his dad behind? Why have you asked us to be a family of 2 for so long? How do I guide Ben through this to see that there is joy in sorrow? Help us to have peace where you have called us. Lord, thank you that my boy lives in the light of the Cross. Holy Spirit, thank you for filling him and being known to him. God, thank You for being his Father Who is with him for all eternity. Thank You, Jesus, that You hold us in Your hand and lead us in our new normal.

Family pictures 2015

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

5th Annual Pittsburgh Cure Sarcoma

Yinz, it's that time again! It's time for the Pittsburgh Cure Sarcoma 5K walk/run! July 11th, 2015 marks the 5th PCS race. I have been honored to have participated in each and every race. Ben has also joined in on the fun each year along with many of our friends and family. 

The beginning of #FacesOfBen and the official race face of the Great Lakers (2011)

The first year was a whirlwind! Aaron was diagnosed on June 7th, 2011 and you can read his story here. After a number of doctor appointments, we landed in the office of an amazing oncologist who would walk our journey side-by-side with us. Dr. Tawbi stepped out of the room and in walked a nurse who told us about this group of wonderful patients, surgeons, nurses, and doctors who were organizing this race called the Pittsburgh Cure Sarcoma. Aaron already knew that I would jump at the chance to do something, anything, after feeling so helpless. I signed up for the race the next day and began organizing t-shirts and fundraising. As Aaron continued to recover after surgery, our friends and family joined us to run and walk and cheer in his honor.

TEAM AARON (2011)

The year following the race brought with it a 1 year old, another cancer diagnosis, and another surgery. By the 2nd annual PCS race, Aaron was 6 weeks out of surgery. This amazing man pushed his boy in the stroller for the entire 3.1 miles!! Tears still come to my eyes thinking about the determination, strength, and grace with which Aaron handled this round of cancer.

Superhero Dad rocked the race with his sidekick (2012)

The 3rd annual race was heartbreaking and powerful. It was our first year racing without Aaron. I wept as I went forward to accept a white rose in his memory prior to the race starting. Ben carried that pure rose the entire race. The support that flowed from our family and friends was so heartwarming. Our team grew to cover the country!

Keeping our hearts on the joy of the Lord and support of our family and friends (2013)

The Great Lakers exploded in size! (2013)

Last year we gathered again to remember Aaron. I got smart and got some tank tops so no one overheated due to the wardrobe :-). Race day has become a day I look forward to. It is a day to remember Aaron and all those who have been diagnosed with sarcoma; a day to gather with others who understand what it is like to walk this path; a day to move in an effort to bring awareness and a cure to sarcoma.

Ready to get the 4th annual race started! Surprise! I was asked to speak that year! (2014)

Still working on getting a tough race face out of them at the same time. (2014)

This is our team's 5th Pittsburgh Cure Sarcoma 5K and the 3rd race without my Aaron, that strong, funny, stubborn, loving, godly man. He is missed so deeply by so many. I wish he was here to roll his eyes at my excitement over race day and snuggle his boy as he explains why we participate. Will you join us so others don't need to go through this? Will you join us so those who are diagnosed have hope...better yet, so that there are no more diagnosed with sarcoma?

"Beloved, do not this it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing has happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy." - 1 Peter 4:12-13

How can you get involved?

1. Run/Walk/Cheer with us - You can join us at the Boat House in North Park in Pittsburgh, PA on Saturday, July 11th at 9:00 am. You can register here or at the race. If you have a TEAM AARON or Great Lakers t-shirt from previous years, please pull them out and send me a picture of you in it on Saturday morning!

2. Donate - If you feel lead to donate, please click on the link here and donate to the Great Lakers!

3. Spread the word - Please spread the word about sarcoma. It is still considered a rare cancer. Sadly, I can count at least 5 people outside of the PCS committee who have been diagnosed with sarcoma. Would you please share this event on your Facebook, Twitter, or through e-mail?

4. Pray
* Praise for the support within the sarcoma community for patients, family members, medical care team, and friends
* Pray that God would grant wisdom and creativity to those involved in research to find a cure for many different types of cancer, including sarcoma.
* Praise for treatment options for sarcoma
* Pray for God to comfort those who will be running for the first time without their loved one.
* Praise for this event, which is the largest sarcoma research fundraising event in the nation!
* Pray for the runners, walkers, volunteers, organizers, and all those involved in the race and that it will be a successful event

2015 race schedule!

Eek! I'm so excited to announce the working 2015 race schedule!! However, before we get to what everyone is wondering about, let's take a little time to review how this works and a little change.

Coach Ben has been training

Each race is run in an effort to raise awareness that actual people endure the trials we imagine as our worst nightmares. That child who can't run in the grass because the IV pole won't allow them. That woman who has a sudden brain aneurysm and is still recovering months later. That widow who "can't be a widow because she is way too young" living every day without her best friend. That person who hears "it's cancer" and their world turns upside down. That child who goes down to the village river to drink the same water the animals use. These people are all real. They are not just a story.

These amazing men and women and foundations that will be honored and remembered will share their stories here during the month of their race. Please feel free to leave comments of encouragement and support that will be passed on to them. Your prayers and support mean so much to all of us.

If you feel lead to make financial donations, there will be information included during the month of that race. The entire month will focus on that family/organization. And here is the change! Rather than making your donation to the families through me, I'll be asking you to make your donations to the organization's page or the family's donation page.

Now, without further ado, I bring you the 2015 race schedule!!!!

April 25th: Run With The Cops, Not From Them (5K) in Detroit, MI. I will be running to benefit the race's fundraising efforts in supports of The For a Day Foundation

May 2nd: Breakthrough for Brain Tumors (5K) in Milford, MI. I will be running in honor of Donna Oakey (suffered a brain aneurysm Jan, 2015)

June 20th: DeAndre's Cause (Glut1DS) (5K) in Farmington Hills, MI. I will be running in memory of Elliot Orr (cancer at 23 years old Jan, 2015)) and in honor of his wife, Christina.

July 11th: 5th Annual Pittsburgh Cure Sarcoma 5K Walk/Run (5K) in Pittsburgh, PA. The Great Lakers team will be running in memory of Aaron Moeller (nerve sheath sarcoma at 30 years old Jan, 2013) and Laura Fellows Campbell (liposarcoma at 49 years old July, 2011) to raise money for the Sarcoma Foundation of America

August (date to be announced): *Race and location to be announced*. I will be running in memory of Matt Kohmescher (melanoma at 30 years old Jan, 2015) and in honor of his wife, Lauren.

September 12th: Montour Trail half-marathon (13.1 miles) in Pittsburgh, PA. I will be running in honor of Diane Deffenbaugh (diagnosed with pancreatic cancer)

October 18th: Detroit half-marathon (13.1 miles) in Detroit, MI. I will be running to support the efforts of the Hope Water Project to bring clean water to the Pokot tribe in Kenya

November 7th: Outrun Hunger (5K) in Commerce Township, MI. I will be running in honor of Mark Howell (diagnosed with stage IV melanoma in October, 2012) and his young family

So, now you know who I am running and praying for, but how can you personally get involved?

1. Run/walk/cheer - Even if you are not a runner, most of these races are a walk/run so walkers are welcome! If you would prefer to stand with your coffee and watch a bunch of crazy people run then come on out to cheer! You can check the registration links provided for each race for the time and locations!

2. Donate - If you feel lead to provide financial donations you will find a link at the end of each story what will lead to the place where you can donate. Please keep in mind that though these pictures all show smiles, there is a great deal of financial stress that comes along with tragedy.

3. Spread the word - The more people who know, the more who can get involved! Please feel free to forward the link or share it on your social media accounts. You never know who needs the encouragement these families provide or may feel moved to help.

4. Pray - This is the foundation of this race series. Pray for the families, those running/walking/cheering, praise for those who donate, pray for the people who will read their stories. Praise God that He allows us to comfort others and use our abilities and gifts to minister and encourage others. Pray for peace, comfort, and healing for each person involved in this race series.

Thank you so much for your support as I run again this year. Thank you for your outpouring of love to these families. Thank you for getting involved.

My tall, skinny 4 year old

Somehow this guy:

This was one of my favorite outfits

grew into this guy who is 43.3 inches tall (96%) and 36.6 lb (57%):

My silly boy

How does that happen so fast? It seems like yesterday Aaron was trying to convince me that the emergency C-section was done and our little blessing was in his arms. My only response was: "A BOY!? Are you sure? BENJAMIN ROBERT!!!" Poor Aaron had to go through this with me every 20 minutes for a good few hours.

Adorable 1 year old!

This was a big birthday for me. We've done birthdays without Aaron since he passed away 2 weeks before Ben's second birthday, but this one hit home. This was the birthday that signified more of Ben's life without his daddy than with him. This is the birthday where Ben realized his daddy wouldn't be there. I am so grateful that God has given him a heart to grieve the absence of his daddy while joyfully celebrating the gift of those around him. It is a rare gift and what a blessing to see it in my 4 year old! We had a great time making english muffin pizzas, eating Detroit Lions cake (ugh! His daddy would be so proud that he does not seem to be following in Mamma's Packers footsteps), and enjoying his new presents with family.

2 year old train addict

Super fast 3 year old

Being Benjamin's mother has been the most joyful, exhausting, humbling, frustrating, laughing until I cry, crying until I laugh, challenging, fun, blessing experience of my life. This little (tall) guy is the apple of my eye. He brings such joy to my heart and light to my life.

Joyful 4 year old

My Ben, keep growing. Keep growing in love. Keep growing in laughter. Keep growing in wisdom. Keep growing in Jesus. Keep growing in curiosity. Keep growing in kindness. Keep growing in independence (yes, even independence...). Keep growing in joy. Keep growing in healing. Keep growing in trust. Keep growing. Keep living. I love you my snuggle buggy silly goose!

Ben's first field trip!

On October 16th, Ben's preschool went on their very first field trip! Ben was just a little excited...

In celebration, Ben officially inherited Aaron's "I <3 my son" mug

We traveled with 14 other 3-4 year olds to a local farm to enjoy cider and donuts, pick pumpkins, and learn about different animals on the farm.

Powdered donuts are the perfect snack for a farm field trip!

After snack time we rode some animals. Ben was an expert cow-rider.

"Let's go Betsy! We've got pumpkins to pick!"

Off we went on a tractor wagon ride to the pumpkin patch!

"Mommy! Stop taking pictures! The wagon is ready to go!!!"

Tractor ride selfie!

When a cut-out picture is available, you should always take advantage of the situation!

What a cute little pumpkin!

Ben was very particular about his pumpkin. He selected 5-6 possible pumpkins but none was up to the level for which he was looking. He finally found this perfect little pumpkin! After he found his, he helped me select one for his favorite person, cousin Gracie.

It's the one!!

What do you think, Mom?

There is dirt on my pumpkin.

Oh, my pumpkin, I'll take you home with me.

Ben has been on a tractor kick. When he found that our wagon was going to be pulled by a tractor he was out of his mind excited!

The wheel is bigger than me!

Next we were on to see the animals. I was worried about how Ben would handle this portion since he is anxious around most pets. I was shocked when he voluntarily wanted to pet every animal he could...including the goat, much to my dismay!

Goats!

My Ben was the very first one to milk the goat!

Mommy, this is a very short horse.

The field trip was a huge hit! Ben did a great job listening and fully experienced everything. It was a wonderful morning!

Intense field trip face!

We decided to continue the celebration through the day. Uncle Beau and Aunt Tia gave us a Red Plate for Christmas a few years ago. Ben is special every day but field trip day was a day worth using the Red "You are special today" Plate!

"You think I'm special so I should eat on this plate every day."

Preschool!

On our way to Ben's preschool meet and greet!

Ben's best friend came to give her approval

I must have blinked! So many had told me not to and I couldn't keep from blinking. Now my sweet Peanut is a preschooler!!

It was never our intention to have Ben go to preschool. As a stay-at-home mom, I didn't want to miss a single minute of him growing up (well, maybe those tantrums I could skip over...). As a single mom, I realized it would be a great blessing for us to each have some individual activities. It was a great decision!

Ben is able to develop and explore the creative side he never knew he had spending his days with his anti-mess type-A mom. His teachers commented from the beginning on his love of creativity and the arts. It was hard to hear of this characteristic I didn't really know in my own son but so grateful for these patient women!

Art work that is now hanging in our playroom!

After his first day, we went to two of Ben's favorite places:

Red Robin for Cheeseburgers!

Dairy Queen for Sprinkle ice cream cones!

 He is loving learning, creating, and making friends.

Naturally, his favorite days are still "Gracie days" but preschool days are up there on his list of favorites.

What a big boy he has grown to be over these past 2 years. I am so proud to be his Mamma!