"You have no idea..."

"You think you are tired now, you have no idea."

"You think you are short on time now, you have no idea."

"You have no idea how this little one will change your life."

"You think you give and receive love, just wait until this little one is born. You have no idea."

You guys. I had no idea! I had no idea how exhausted and energized and bored and creative and flabbergasted and speechless and awed and empty and full motherhood would be. I had no idea how long the days (and nights) would be and how quick the years would pass. I had no idea your heart could expand to completely fill your entire body to the brink of bursting from a smile. I thought I knew. I had read the books and talked with the parent friends. I heard it so many times: You have no idea.

I had no idea.

I'm feeling a little like that almost-to-delivery-day 26 year old pregnant woman/new mom again. I am standing on the edge of a new life, wondering what the reality will really be like. I've done my best to prepare but there is just no way to fully prepare.

On Tuesday, my one and only, the little one who cried because his favorite teddy needed to go in the wash, this little light of my life, my boy who has to be sung his lullaby to at bed time, this little 5-going-on-50 boy will leave my house, get in a vehicle with a bunch of other people's tiny humans, and go to school. I will no longer be the person who spends the most daylight hours with him. I will hear stories of what he did without me. I will have to let go a little more. And it is good and it is hard.

And as he sleeps, snuggling his entourage of stuffies (Corduroy Bear, Ben Bunny, Daddy Bunny, the one armed Christmas Monkey, and Blankie), I just remind myself that I have no idea. I have no idea how this next chapter will look. I have no idea how much our lives and the rhythm of it will change. I have no idea what the Lord will do in us through school. I have no idea what the Lord will do through us in those we meet. I have no idea how much he will learn and grow. And I have no idea how much I will learn and grow.

What I do know is this: my little man is ready, I am anxiously excited, and God is going to do amazing things through my boy. The world needs my sweet Ben: his laughter, his tender-heart, and his compassion.

Kindergarten, you think you are ready for Ben. You have no idea.

November race benefiting the Howell family!!

Saturday is the last race of the 2015 race series! I can't believe how quickly this year has flown by!! Thanks to my sweet boy, Ben, for encouraging me to get this together.

In 2013, Mark and Christina Howell, along with their son Gabriel, was the first family I ran and fundraising for and it seems appropriate that they are the last family of this series. When I ran for this sweet family I was connected to Christina through a mutual friend and we had spoken to Christina once. Over the past two and a half years our friendship has grown and I am so blessed by this family! It is my pleasure to be able to run for Mark and Christina, this time as a true friend!

May 2013 with the Howell family

Mark was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma in the fall of 2012 and you can read the first post from his wife HERE. He is a light to be around. He continues to lean into God for strength and lives with such joy and vibrancy you can't help but love to be around him! He has graciously taken the time to write an update on how he has been doing through his cancer journey. 

"It has been awhile since my last update, but overall I am doing well and continue to wage war on the cancer battle! Over the past 18 months I have been on a drug called PD-1, which has shown great success in the Melanoma world. My health has been no exception! The drug had shrunk a large tumor in my neck that become troublesome to my windpipe, and it was able shrink it mall enough o safely remove it from my neck altogether! No recurrences in or around that area to date which is great news. I have one final traceable tumor in my abdomen, near the original surgical site. We have been tracking this tumor for about 6 months and it has stayed about the same size, and happens to be in a tricky spot to remove. I've had numerous scans performed and meet with the surgeon to identify the risk/reward potential of surgery, and to best identify what the plan should be going forward.

This next decision is a delicate one, as any potential choice has its potential pros and cons for my short and long term health potential. My family and I continue to be faithful in God that He will guide us down the appropriate path. Medical expenses continue to be a burden and impact our day to day lives, although we make the best of everything we can. We have restructured our lives so that we are able to still do fun family things occasionally, as good “experiences” and memories have become our focus over tangible items, but the weight of expenses from diet restrictions, vitamins, medications, treatments, scans, and traveling to various facilities around the USA do continue to weigh on us. We are eternally grateful for all who have helped in the form of thoughts, prayers, donations, and gifts of all kind throughout our battle and are truly humbled by the generosity shown by thousands over the past few years of our battle. The day to day fight is made easier by all your support, and we will forever be grateful for your love and generosity.

-The Howell family (Mark, Christina, and Gabriel)"

Mark and Christina have refused to forfeit their lives to cancer and all the areas it touches. They continue to be a witness of what it looks like to live in faith, even when you don't understand and the road is rough. They live in the belief that God has them safely and lovingly in His hands, which is the best place to be.

Mark ran the Warrior Dash this summer!!!

So, how can you help the Howell family?

1. Run/Walk/Cheer: I'll be running the Outrun Hunger 5K in Commerce Township on Saturday, November 7th! You can register HERE and at the race. Come on out to meet the Howell family, run, walk, and/or cheer on the other runners.

2. Donate: As Mark mentioned, there are a ton of expenses that come along with cancer. The Howells have endured 3 years of these expenses including trips to Tampa, FL at least once a month for Mark to receive treatment. Thank you so much for any donation to this family! You can make your donations one of two ways:
A. Send a check made to Mark Howell or The Mark Howell Foundation, which can be mailed to Cooper & Binkley Jewelers, 105 W. Main Street, Brighton, MI 48116

B. Go to their fundraising page by clicking on this LINK

3. Spread the word: Please send this information to your friends, share it on your social media sites, talk about Mark and Christina with your friends. Friends, cancer doesn't care what age you are, whether or not you are married, if you are a parent. Let's not ignore this disease and its effects on those we care about.

4. Pray! 
* Praise that Mark's treatments have been effective in controlling his cancer growth!!!!!!!!!!
* Prayer that the treatments will continue to be effective
* Praise for every day this sweet family gets to spend together
* Prayer for God to continue to bless them with family experiences and building memories for decades!
* Praise for Mark and Christina's desire to be a witness for Christ
* Prayer for continued advancements in melanoma research and treatments
* Praise for those in the medical field who serve families with cancer
* Prayer for the runners, walkers, and volunteers of the race

Thank you so much for your prayers, support, and donations to this family! 

October race: Detroit half marathon with Hope Water Project

Only 2 more races in my 2015 race series! That went really really really fast!

Start line 2014

On Sunday I will run to Canada and back (it's a perk of living in southeast Michigan) in the International Detroit half-marathon with the Hope Water Project. Why did I choose this race and this team?

1. Ben made me. Haha! When Ben told me there were people who needed me to run for them, one of the first people he said were "people in Africa who don't have clean water or Jesus." That little boy inspires me constantly. Last year I ran the relay with my family, which was my parents first running race, and will be running the international half this year!

My mom and me before her first run EVER!

2. To bring clean water and Jesus to the Pokot tribe of Kenya, Africa. Through wells, Hope Water Project is able to bring clean water and health to the Pokot tribe in Africa. Can you imagine handing your child a bottle full of grey water that was collected just down river from a herd of cattle? Me neither.

That is water, not chocolate milk. Water.

Once the wells are built, Hope Water Project continues to bring water, Living Water. They build a community around the well and share the gospel. They are the hands and feet of Jesus to these people!

Girls walk an average of 3.7 miles to get dirty water to bring back to their families.

3. In July I began training with the Hope Water Project team from a local church call Venture Church. I didn't know a single person and was soooooo nervous on my way to my first group run. God had gone before me and prepared a wonderful woman to run that entire 7 mile run by my side in conversation. After we finished our run, she introduced me to as many fellow runners as she could. Since that first run, they have become my tribe, my people, my community. Ben and I have been wholly welcomed and ministered to in their church. There is no pity in their friendship but purely love and encouragement and accountability. In three months and more miles than I can count, they have gracefully folded my atypical family into theirs without hesitation. I now realize that God wasn't using this training and race just to fill a need for the Pokot people. He was using it to fill a need in me, to water my spirit.

Team Venture!

Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered. - Proverbs 11:25

God calls us to serve. When we answer His call, we not only fill others, but we are filled also. He is so creative and purposeful. I often underestimate Him.

So, how can you help?

1. Come cheer us on: We will be in Detroit and Windsor on Sunday, October 18th. Come on down and cheer us on!!

2. Donate: We cannot build wells without your financial support. You can donate by clicking this LINK to go to my fundraising page. Thank you!

3. Spread the word:  Go ahead! Be that person! Share this post on your social media, through e-mail, go old school and talk with someone about what Hope Water Project is doing! It doesn't matter how, just tell people!

4. Pray: 
* Pray for the Pokot people as their lives are changed by clean water and Jesus
* Praise for those who have said "yes" to God's call to minister to His people
* Pray for the man power to build the wells!
* Praise that Hope Water Project raised enough to build more wells than they had workers to build (see prayer above!)!
* Pray for God to continue to direct and lead each runner as to where we are to serve next
* Praise for able bodies to run for Him!
* Pray for safety and health for all the runners, volunteers, and spectators.

That time Ben brought me to my knees with a bedtime story

Ben has a book called "Daddy and Me." I made this book as a gift from Ben to Aaron for his last Christmas on Earth. Aaron was really struggling with how little time God had allowed for him to have in Ben's life and wondered if he had really made any impact on our sweet boy. If only he could see him now!

Ben and Aaron at 4 yr.

We've read "Daddy and Me" lots of times with lots of story telling and laughter over all the silly and sweet things Daddy and Ben did together and it warms my heart to see Ben's eyes light up. Daddy hugged him, cuddled him, bathed him, walked with him, played with him, all in pictures for proof. It is one of Ben's favorite books.

Tonight, Ben chose this book as his bedtime story but it was different this time. About half-way through my tenderhearted, thoughtful son looked at me with tears in his eyes. "Mamma, it's so sad that I only had a daddy when I was a little baby. I really miss my daddy. I wish he could see me now. Do you think he knows how old I am?" What do you say to that? How can I take the hurt away and make it better? I can't kiss the boo-boo left on his heart.

Love

We cried. We talked about how it is ok to miss Daddy. We talked about what we would do or say if we could talk to Daddy. Then we kept reading the book. As I closed the book Ben did what he usually does without realizing it, he pointed me straight to the Cross. "Mamma, did Daddy teach me how to love the Lord?" Oh sweet boy, with every breath your daddy breathed, even to the very last breath, that was his prayer and desire.

Snuggles

I sang Ben the lullaby I've sung to him since he was an infant, kissed his forehead, turned out the light, and closed the door. Half-way down the hall I dropped to my knees in tears. Pleading, questions, and praise fill my heart. Jesus, I can't do this. You are going to have to carry me. Jesus, in Your power, equip me and strengthen me in my weakness. God, why did You allow him to suffer and die so young? Why does my baby have to endure this? Why does he need to learn the delicate balance of moving forward without leaving his dad behind? Why have you asked us to be a family of 2 for so long? How do I guide Ben through this to see that there is joy in sorrow? Help us to have peace where you have called us. Lord, thank you that my boy lives in the light of the Cross. Holy Spirit, thank you for filling him and being known to him. God, thank You for being his Father Who is with him for all eternity. Thank You, Jesus, that You hold us in Your hand and lead us in our new normal.

Family pictures 2015

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

How can I donate to Super Sam in honor of Diane?

The race on Saturday went great! Ben got his donuts and I got to run for one of the most amazing women I know!

Montour Trail tradition

For those of you who read Diane's story, how amazing is it that she is pouring out love on Super Sam and his family!?

LOVE HER!

I spoke with Sam's mom, Leslie, and she couldn't believe that Diane wanted to bless their family in this way. Sam is doing well! His scans have been clear and he is making progress with his physical struggles. He even started kindergarten this year and is going to be a big brother again!!!

Roger and Leslie are so grateful for your donations and to Diane for her out pour of love!

If you have followed Super Sam, you'll understand why him riding a bike brings me to tears!

As you saw in my post prior to the race, I wasn't sure how to get donations to Super Sam. His daddy fixed that real quick! There is a link to Super Sam's PayPal account on Super Sam's facebook page. You can click on the link to make your donation. If you are uncomfortable with using PayPal or making an online donation, please contact me by e-mail, text, or leaving a comment on this post and I'll instruct you on how to send a check to the family.

Thank you again for your generosity and prayers for this little man and his family over the past 2 years!

What a handsome superhero!

Diane's story

It's almost race day again!!! The Montour Trail half-marathon is so special to me. Not only does it give me reason to head back to dah 'Burgh to see a ton of wonderful people, but it was the very first half-marathon I even ran. Aaron encouraged me to run this race to help reduce my stress and give me something other than cancer and a toddler to focus on. Paul and Diane Deffenbaugh joined Aaron and Ben to cheer me on. At mile 4, I passed them while they sat in the back of the Deffenbaugh/s van cheering with mouthfuls of powdered donuts!

Pittsburgh Parents (Paul and Diane)

This year, I have the absolute privilege of running for my "Pittsburgh Mom." Paul and Diane, along with their kids Sam and Danielle, never hesitated to take us in as family. Ben had sleep overs at their house each time we went in for surgery. Diane was always there to care for Ben so I could take Aaron to appointments, treatments, or the ER. It got to the point where Ben would cry if I opened the door in the morning and Diane was not there! The Deffenbaughs have been our prayer warriors and the hands and feet of God as Ben and I have journeyed through life with and without Aaron.

Diane and Ben on his first trip to the cabin

And then the heartbreaking happened. Diane called me a year ago to let me know that she had been diagnosed with cancer...pancreatic cancer. How is it that the woman who gave so much time and energy to love our family through cancer now had to endure her own journey!? However, her faith has shined through from the beginning. She sought God and asked "Lord, how are You going to use me through this? Who is it You have placed in my path? Help me to see them. Help me to praise You in the storm!" She has one of the kindest, God-seeking, giving souls I know. She is a light in the dark! Here is her story:

"Journey of Faith

My name is Diane Deffenbaugh.  I am 56 years old, married for 27 years to Paul and we have two children, Danielle and Sam.  Danielle is married to Isaac and Sam is a senior at WVU.

Isaac and Danielle's wedding

This is our journey.  

I went into the hospital in September of 2014 to simply have a stint put in to open up my bile duct, so we thought.  A scan revealed a mass.  While they put the stint in through an endoscopic procedure, they biopsied a 2 centimeter mass.  It came back as malignantpancreatic cancer.  The scraping from the biopsy caused a 5 day stay in the hospital with pancreatitis.  They could not remove the cancer until November when the pancreatitis was over.

In November I had a Whipple surgical procedure whereby they removed part of my pancreas, part of my stomach and a little of my duodenum.  I was in the hospital for 10 days, and I came home just before Thanksgiving.

I was able to enjoy the holidays before I started Chemotherapy in January.  Chemo lasted until June.  I had 3 weeks of chemo and then was off one week.   I had 18 treatments in all.

Rockin' the purple at the Pittsburgh Pancreatic walk/run

A mass on my ovary was discovered earlier through one of the scans.  They decided to wait until after chemo to remove it.  A total hysterectomy was done in July.  The biopsy came back benign.

It is now September, one year after our whirlwind started.  God has been our Rock through it all.  There are several scriptures that have sustained me through this journey. 

Psalm 139: 13-16  “For You created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.  God is sovereign over all things.”

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you.  He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.”  (He doesn't send a messenger. He sends Himself to our aid.  Emmanuel.  We are so thankful for such a personal God.)

Psalm 112:7 “They will have no fear of bad news;  their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”

Danielle and Sam still love playing in the church nursery!

The most difficult thing for me was telling our kids and this ordeal created hardship for my family and friends.  I have learned the power of prayer and the need for the body of Christ.  We have received so much support and love during this time.  God is faithful.  I knew that I could trust Him whether He decided to heal me or not.  He has a purpose for it all.  I have met people such as doctors and nurses that I would never have met and been able to tell of the goodness of the Lord.  I continue to seek Him and what He has planned for me because of it."

How can you honor Diane and get involved?

1. Run/Walk/Cheer with us: If you are in Pittsburgh, come on out to run/walk the 5K or half-marathon or you can join Paul, Diane, and Ben with some powdered donuts while they cheer on the runners! Online registration is closed but you can find all the information on the event here.

2. Donate: As I've said, Diane has such a tender heart and love for people, especially children. She has asked that all donations made in her honor be made to Super Sam, the sweet, brave 3 year old boy I ran for in 2013. Praise God he is cancer free now!! I'll have more information on how you can make donations after I spill the surprise to his mom!!!  DONATIONS CAN BE MADE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER, EVEN AFTER THE RACE! 

Diane can usually be found loving on our kids

3. Spread the word: Would you share this with your friends and family? There are so many ways to share information: Twitter, Facebook, E-mail, conversation. Would you please share this light with those you know?

4. Pray:
* Praise that Diane is currently CANCER FREE!!!
* Pray that she remains cancer free and never hears this terrifying diagnosis again.
* Praise that God has organized His children in community to allow us the privilege to pray for and with one another and bear each other's burdens.
* Pray for endurance through continued follow up.
* Praise for the joy and light of Christ that Diane was able to share through this journey.
* Pray for the runners, walkers, volunteers, spectators, and organizers of the race.

5th Annual Pittsburgh Cure Sarcoma

Yinz, it's that time again! It's time for the Pittsburgh Cure Sarcoma 5K walk/run! July 11th, 2015 marks the 5th PCS race. I have been honored to have participated in each and every race. Ben has also joined in on the fun each year along with many of our friends and family. 

The beginning of #FacesOfBen and the official race face of the Great Lakers (2011)

The first year was a whirlwind! Aaron was diagnosed on June 7th, 2011 and you can read his story here. After a number of doctor appointments, we landed in the office of an amazing oncologist who would walk our journey side-by-side with us. Dr. Tawbi stepped out of the room and in walked a nurse who told us about this group of wonderful patients, surgeons, nurses, and doctors who were organizing this race called the Pittsburgh Cure Sarcoma. Aaron already knew that I would jump at the chance to do something, anything, after feeling so helpless. I signed up for the race the next day and began organizing t-shirts and fundraising. As Aaron continued to recover after surgery, our friends and family joined us to run and walk and cheer in his honor.

TEAM AARON (2011)

The year following the race brought with it a 1 year old, another cancer diagnosis, and another surgery. By the 2nd annual PCS race, Aaron was 6 weeks out of surgery. This amazing man pushed his boy in the stroller for the entire 3.1 miles!! Tears still come to my eyes thinking about the determination, strength, and grace with which Aaron handled this round of cancer.

Superhero Dad rocked the race with his sidekick (2012)

The 3rd annual race was heartbreaking and powerful. It was our first year racing without Aaron. I wept as I went forward to accept a white rose in his memory prior to the race starting. Ben carried that pure rose the entire race. The support that flowed from our family and friends was so heartwarming. Our team grew to cover the country!

Keeping our hearts on the joy of the Lord and support of our family and friends (2013)

The Great Lakers exploded in size! (2013)

Last year we gathered again to remember Aaron. I got smart and got some tank tops so no one overheated due to the wardrobe :-). Race day has become a day I look forward to. It is a day to remember Aaron and all those who have been diagnosed with sarcoma; a day to gather with others who understand what it is like to walk this path; a day to move in an effort to bring awareness and a cure to sarcoma.

Ready to get the 4th annual race started! Surprise! I was asked to speak that year! (2014)

Still working on getting a tough race face out of them at the same time. (2014)

This is our team's 5th Pittsburgh Cure Sarcoma 5K and the 3rd race without my Aaron, that strong, funny, stubborn, loving, godly man. He is missed so deeply by so many. I wish he was here to roll his eyes at my excitement over race day and snuggle his boy as he explains why we participate. Will you join us so others don't need to go through this? Will you join us so those who are diagnosed have hope...better yet, so that there are no more diagnosed with sarcoma?

"Beloved, do not this it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing has happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy." - 1 Peter 4:12-13

How can you get involved?

1. Run/Walk/Cheer with us - You can join us at the Boat House in North Park in Pittsburgh, PA on Saturday, July 11th at 9:00 am. You can register here or at the race. If you have a TEAM AARON or Great Lakers t-shirt from previous years, please pull them out and send me a picture of you in it on Saturday morning!

2. Donate - If you feel lead to donate, please click on the link here and donate to the Great Lakers!

3. Spread the word - Please spread the word about sarcoma. It is still considered a rare cancer. Sadly, I can count at least 5 people outside of the PCS committee who have been diagnosed with sarcoma. Would you please share this event on your Facebook, Twitter, or through e-mail?

4. Pray
* Praise for the support within the sarcoma community for patients, family members, medical care team, and friends
* Pray that God would grant wisdom and creativity to those involved in research to find a cure for many different types of cancer, including sarcoma.
* Praise for treatment options for sarcoma
* Pray for God to comfort those who will be running for the first time without their loved one.
* Praise for this event, which is the largest sarcoma research fundraising event in the nation!
* Pray for the runners, walkers, volunteers, organizers, and all those involved in the race and that it will be a successful event