Why a marathon?

26.2 miles. That is crazy. That is insane. That is a lot of running.

I never thought I would want to do a marathon. Painful hips marked my cross country and track "career" in high school along with my lack of running talent. Running a marathon was crazy talk... until I began talking with my friend (a marathoner) at the end of my 13 in 2013 series - "If you are ever going to do a marathon, now would be the time. You have a great base and confidence built up." And then I talked to another friend - "You've already done an emotional marathon. Why not a physical one?" And then I talked to my crazy brother - "If you want to run it, let's do it! I'm in...and who are we going to bless?"

Erich, Grace, Ben, and me at Give Kids the World - 11/2013

So now my brother, Erich, and I will be running our first full marathon on Saturday, May 24th in Traverse City, MI. It is just perfect. We have been giving miles and raising money for Give Kids the World, which we love! I love that Erich is of the same giving mind and heart as me! Also, I think it is so cool that I'll be running my first full marathon in the last Michigan city Aaron lived.

As I've been training, my emotions have been everywhere, especially during my long runs.
12 miles - You've got this!
16 miles - I just ran 16 miles! Only 10.2 more!
18 miles - There is absolutely no way I can run this marathon. What was I thinking!?
21 miles - I didn't think I could survive Aaron having cancer. I didn't think I could bury my husband. I didn't think I could be a single mom. It feels like I can't possibly do 26.2 miles but I know that in my weakness, God is strong.

After finishing 21 miles!

In less than 36 hours I will be running my first full marathon.
I will run for Aaron, Laura, Chad, Mark, Alyssa, Amy, Super Sam, Bill, Carl, Lorraine, Adam, and so many others who have/are/will face cancer.
I will run for those children that are blessed by Make A Wish and Give Kids the World.
I will run for my Ben and pray that he sees a strong Mamma who is strong only because of Jesus, the Rock.

Ben helped me send out the last check of blessings of the 13 in 2013 race series to Give Kids the World

Hebrews 12:1 - Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us 

Proverbs 11:25 - The generous soul will be made rich, And he who waters will also be watered himself.

Christmas!

It is still single digit temperatures and snowing. Therefore it is absolutely legitimate to post about Christmas and not feel bad...right? Well, these pictures are SO adorable that you'll be glad I'm posting them!

Mommy's baker

Our Christmas was strange without Aaron. However, the week leading up to it was far more difficult than the day itself. My grief has typically been that way. The anticipation of the "big day" is usually worse than the actual day because by the time it gets here, I've done the emotional work necessary. Also, who can resist smiling while watching a three year old finally understand that there are fun things under that colorful paper!?

Must. Remove. Paper. Now.

We were so excited to have Great-Grandpa Bob and Great-Grandma Judy up to visit from San Antonio, Texas! We had a cookie decorating contest, played games, and ate great food. 

I made sure to introduce Grandpa Bob to Curious George

It is only natural to wear bows on your head at every moment possible.

The focus of an artist. This was the cookie that took first place.

We began our week of Christmas at home with Buppa, Nana, Great-Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Erich, Aunt Shelle, and the star of Ben's life, Grace.

"Ben, do you know what tomorrow is!? Yes, those are Christmas bunny ears."

Mommies impersonating their children

"They are so weird." "Grace, we need to stay focused on the task at hand. They are just trying to distract us."

Check out my new guitar! Now we can jam!

But I am le tired

Happy birthday, Jesus!

Next stop was Traverse City, MI with Grandpa Jim, Gramzy Jen, Aunt Cece, Uncle Cal, Great-Grandma Linda, and Great-Grandpa Tom.

Grandpa, I think I should thoroughly inspect that for you.

Some of the ladies and Ben

Great-Grandma Linda gave Ben some "dessert wine" (aka. cherry syrup)

I think it went to his head...

We ended our marathon Christmas in Grand Rapids, MI with Grammy and Bobba.

Merry Christmas!

Ben got his first board game: Candy Land

Helicopter-launching Bat Mobile! Perfect!

Whew! That's a lot of traveling! That's a lot of family! That's a whole lot of love! We are so blessed! We hope you all had a merry Christmas, too!

The last "A year ago today..." day

It is a strange day in my grief journey. Today is the last "a year ago today..." day. A year ago today was the last time I saw Aaron. It was the last time I touched him. A year ago today was the day we buried him. 

Eating the best pizza on our first anniversary trip to NYC

Moments before the funeral was the last time I would ever see Aaron in person in his earthly form. What did I do with those precious last moments before they close the casket for the last time? I fixed the hair around his ears, adjusted his watch so it was centered on his wrist, straightened his tie, longed to see those blue eyes, admired the chin our son fortunately inherited, fell to my knees, and wept. Then I picked myself up by God's strength and walked in to the sanctuary with our family and friends to sing praises to God for allowing me to have been Aaron's wife, for surrounding us with amazing people, and for rejoicing at Aaron's arrival in Heaven.

The burial was the most difficult part of the week after his death. I knew it had to happen. I knew that Aaron had been with Jesus for a week already on that day. Those facts, that knowledge, did not change the shear panic, fear, anger, and indescribable emotions I felt as we pulled up to his grave site. One of those chair next to the hole in the ground was for me, his 28 year old widow...widow.

And I quote, "Hey, did you know we're getting married today?"

I watched men who dearly loved him take his body in the beautiful wood casket selected by our parents out of the hearse. In my head I was screaming - Not my Aaron! Don't you dare bring my love over here! Stop walking! Not my Aaron. Stop! How is this real life? We were just supposed to endure a kidney transplant, not cancer, not death. Lord, hold me steady because I am breaking. Stop!!! Among the screams were pangs of sorrow for the six men walking him to his final resting place. Our "Pittsburgh dad" who delighted in sharing stories and great pizza with Aaron. My brother who loved him and would no longer be able to share "Dad stories." His best friend, more like a brother, realizing those 25 years of memories would be all he would get. His uncles who had watched him run around at family gathering, endure childhood cancer, and grow to be a godly man. The pain and sorrow those men must have felt. How heavy that casket must have been. And his parents and grandparents - questioning how this could be real - he had beaten cancer before, why not this time!? How were they supposed to bury their son? There was such heaviness and heartache.

At the burial service, Aaron's cousin James read Psalm 112 per my request. The entire psalm describes Aaron but the parts in bold were why I chose this psalm:
Praise the Lord!
Blessed is the man who fears the Lord,
Who delights greatly in His commandments.
His descendants will be mighty on the earth;
The generation of the upright will be blessed. 
Wealth and riches will be in his house, 
And his righteousness endures forever.
Unto the upright there arises light in the darkness;
He is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous.
A good man deals graciously and lends;
He will guide his affairs with discretion.
Surely he will never be shaken;
The righteous will be in everlasting remembrance.
He will not be afraid of evil tidings;
His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
His heart is established;
He will not be afraid, 
Until he sees his desire upon his enemies.

"Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy."
1 Peter 4:12-13

After the burial service there was a sigh of relief. It was done. It was final. Aaron was no longer suffering, I had survived saying good-bye to the man with whom I had intended to spend the rest of my days, and God had kept His promise to carry me and protect me through the storm. 

There is a strange release today on this last "a year ago today..." day. This past year has come with deep sorrow as well as incredible joy. When Aaron passed away I felt grief and relief. An amazing man had been called from us and so we grieved. This wonderful man was taken to Heaven, no longer suffering cancer and so there was relief. A hole created, a burden lifted, another step forward. And that is ok. It is ok to feel pain and joy in the same breath while I watch Ben play under "Daddy's tree" at the cemetery. It's ok to miss him and feel relief as I look at pictures of Christmas 2012. It's ok to yearn for Aaron and push forward toward the future with excitement and anticipation. As I said in my last post, God has work for us to do. He has a unique purpose for our lives. I am excited to see what He does with us in 2014.

Getting ready to mail our last 13 in 2013 check!

Happy first Heaven-day, Daddy!

Shortly after Aaron passed away on Wednesday, January 9, 2013, I decided that the focus of every January 9th would not be Aaron's death but his entrance into Heaven. As Christians, we are told not to grieve as the world grieves, as one with no hope. Now, that doesn't mean we don't miss him or cry over the holes left by his absence in our lives. It does mean that we are able to be joyful that he is with Jesus and confidently know that we will see him when we are called Home. It means that we confidently continue to trust God and give Him glory. It means we continue to move forward, continue living because God created us for a unique purpose. So, on January 9, 2014 we celebrated Aaron's life on earth, the way God so beautifully used him, and the eternal life he is enjoying in Heaven. Ben and I had quite the day doing things that Daddy would have loved!

We went to our MOPS group and then to Taco Bell for lunch. Aaron loved Taco Bell. Yes, I know. Mr. Particular About Food loved Taco Bell. Although, I doubt that he ever actually tasted the food since it was drenched in hot sauce by the time it hit his tongue. It was also another first for us. It was the first time in almost 18 months that we had entered a Taco Bell. I've been able to go to answer Ben's questions about Daddy and Heaven, visit his grave, speak with others about our marriage and journey with cancer, but the thought of entering a Taco Bell without him brought tears to my eyes. I have learned through experience that grief is unpredictable. You don't know if it will be a song, the soda aisle, or bad fast food that will bring on the tears.

Ben devoured his taco!

Once we got home and had a rest, we made a Heaven day cake for Daddy. I got to get creative and Ben learned how to decorate with a pastry bag...although at one point he was just squeezing the frosting directly in to his mouth so I'm not sure how effective that lesson was.

I wish she would just let me eat the frosting.

Look what we made!

We shared lots of stories about Aaron and read the "Daddy and Me" book I had made Aaron for Christmas 2013. Ben likes it because it is full of pictures of Daddy and him. We also watched quite a few videos on the iPad that Ben and Daddy made. After Ben went to bed, I watched CSI:NY and had a Coke. A few days after Aaron came home on hospice, we had a date night where we watched CSI. That was the last time I watched it. It was "our thing" and we would spend the episode predicting the culprit and the corny lines they inevitably drop. We always had to watch at least 2 - it's just the rule.

CSI:NY, Coke, and Aaron's sweat pants - this was our typical night at home

Any monumental milestone is an occasion to look back: to remember what was, consider what has been, and realize what is now. It has been difficult, especially the month of December, to comprehend that my memories of our "normal life" where real - we really lived that life. How much difference a year can make. Our lives are so different now, and even Aaron's grave site has changed over the past year.

January 17, 2013, the day after we buried my Aaron, my darling.

May 12, 2013 - Ben and Daddy Bunny reading Daddy's memorial stone

May 12 - The first time we saw his memorial stone

June 30, 2013

August 16, 2013

September 22, 2013

October 13, 2013

November 30. 2013

We began 2014 by visiting "Daddy's stuff" as Ben fondly calls his grave site, which was covered in snow and ice. We could not find his stone so we prayed and Ben played around his tree for a while before I told him it was time to leave. Ben began to cry and exclaimed, "Mommy! We have to read Daddy's stone and pray to Jesus!!" Since Aaron's stone arrived we read it and pray to Jesus every time we visit. I began a half-hearted search certain there was no way we would find the stone in all the snow and ice. Ben ran to a certain spot, yelled "Here it is!" and fell down on what looked like just another patch of snow covered ice.

January 1, 2014

He asked me to "get Daddy's stone" so I began smashing the ice with my heel assuming I would show him yet another spot where it wasn't. Imagine my shock as Aaron's memorial stone appeared out of the ice! We joyfully read Daddy's stone, talked to him, and prayed to Jesus on the very first day of 2014. What did we tell Daddy?

January 1, 2014

We told him the same thing I told Ben 2 hours after Aaron entered Heaven.
We told him the same thing Ben tells me when I cry reading "Goodnight Moon."
We told Daddy how happy we are for him. We told him how much we miss him. We told him that we'll see him when it's our turn to go to Heaven and be with Jesus.

For now, God still has work for us to do - something in which Aaron delighted.

Give Kids the World Gingerbread Run: Post Race

Give Kids the World

Mission: Accomplished! The Give Kids the World Gingerbread run was the PERFECT race to end my series!

The day before the race, my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece, son, and I woke up to catch an early flight to sunny Florida. We spent the afternoon and evening touring Give Kids the World. I had a couple things I wanted to find while we were there. First stop was the paver in honor of our wedding guests donated in 2007.

"A&J Moeller; Kalamazoo, MI; June 23, 2007"

Second stop was the Castle to find Aaron's star. Unfortunately, the location of the star Christina made in 2006 was never linked to Aaron's visit in 1992 so we weren't able to see it. However, they were kind enough to let Ben and me make a new star for Daddy! It was such a special thing to be able to involve Ben in remembering Aaron.

Ben decided our star should say, "We love you, Daddy!"

Aaron's star is now located in the new Star Tower, the new addition to the Castle

This is a replica of the Castle and carousel

Once I had found our paver and his star and allowed the emotions of the day settle, it was time to get busy having some fun!

Some sweeties in the giant ice cream bowls outside the ice cream parlor

The Wall of Seasons

Buppa and Ben at Mayor Clayton's and Ms. Mary's house.

Ben's favorite place in all of GKTW was the carousel! We were able to ride over and over and over. Ben even passed up ice cream in favor of another couple rides on the carousel. As observed in these pictures, he was not the only one who liked this classic ride!

He may have ridden nearly every animal they had to offer!

Erich really got in to it!

Buppa: The cautious adventurer 

Nana: Thrill-Seeker!

Michelle took Grace for a couple of spins

We passed the start line for the race. Wow! To be walking around GKTW again and see where my final of 13 races would begin was really exciting.

Erich and I struck the same pose without knowing it! Yup, we're related.

I was so blessed to be joined by my family to remember and celebrate Aaron. The support, love, and encouragement they provided was something I had not anticipated needing so much, especially the day before and day of the race. Erich decided he wanted to run the race as well, not just watch, and he was not disappointed! We arrived bright and early to pick up our race packets and goof around before getting down to the business of running.

Sunrise pre-race picture

I'm so embarrassing! Statue photo!

Photo op with some GKTW celebrities: Mayor Clayton, Ms. Mary, Buttons, and Patches

My brother is amazing! He was such a source of joy and excitement!

And then it happened! The horn blew, the runners started, and the beginning of my final race started! This was not just any race, mind you! This was a race through a village made for children.

As we ran, we met Sponge Bob, ran through a wall of bubbles, and got sprayed by kids with squirt guns. We ran through a winter wonderland (in southern Florida, at that) and life-size Candy Land. And the best part, seeing the smiling faces of the kids and their families as they watched us run.

As usual, Erich's sub-7 min/mile pace looks like a casual jog!

I was so excited that my 13 turned in to 31! Oops!

I spent the race thinking about the past year, all the people I have met, all the people who have surrounded us with nothing but love, all of those still hurting. I imagined Aaron as a boy standing outside one of those villas cheering us on. I imagined, with a longing ache in my heart, my Aaron cheering me on and nearly heard him whisper, "I'm so proud of you!" As the finish line came in to view, I challenged a little boy to race me to the finish. He totally whooped me, as he should! My smile could not have gotten bigger as I crossed the finish line.

And then the reality of what I had just done came washing over me, driving me to the ground in tears of joy, sorrow, longing, and gratefulness. What a gift this year has been. God has run every step of this journey of widowhood with me. Not only has He walked with me, but He has blessed me beyond anything I could have imagined!

My coach looking SO much like his daddy

My joy

My greatest supporters - Thank you, Mom and Dad. This would not have been possible without you!

After running a 5K in high humidity and heat and Erich being the 3rd male to finish, is there any other way to celebrate than dancing!? Erich and I grabbed our post race snacks for ourselves and the kids and got our groove on!

Nice run!

Showing off our moves

Oh yeah! We rock!

"I am greatly concerned for our parents." "Me too."

While we were in Kissimmee, we made a trip to the most magical place on earth! I grew up on Disney movies and visited Disney World many times as a child so I was really excited to take Ben and share this memory with our family.

Magic Kingdom

Walking to the park and we spotted our first Mickey!

Cinderella's Castle

Buppa and Nana with the grandkids

Ben on his first ride: Dumbo

My mommy and me waiting to go on the Little Mermaid

Of course, Ben loved the carousel!

Grace is a Minnie kind of girl

The guys

Family selfie on It's a Small World

Even the flight back was fun! The kids did such a great job and loved the time together!

The picture below is of a small portion of the ceiling in the Castle at Give Kids the World. Each star represents a child given a week of childhood in this magical place. Friends, your generosity and prayers have allowed me to have the honor of sending $1,474.80 to help GKTW continue to bless families and add stars! That is incredible! Since starting this race initiative in March, $11,939.80 has been raised for families effected by cancer and organizations reaching out to help the hurting, lost, and alone. Thank you seems to be too small a sentiment. I am blown away!

That's a lot of joy and love and memories!

I continue to cross finish lines on this journey of establishing life after death: first birthday in 8 years without my Aaron, first Thanksgiving, the anniversary of being told his cancer was terminal, the anniversary of our last date, and more to come. Each time, I am amazed, much like I was after each race, how much more I am able to do in God's strength than I ever imagined. I took a bit of break after the 13th race to rest my body and reserve my energy for the emotional race of the holidays. God has been so good and filled my heart with joy and peace. That doesn't mean that pain is absent but He continues to redirect my mind and heart to the blessings He has taken joy in giving.

Rest, my little coach, we've done well.

Completed Races:
GKTW Gingerbread Run (5K) - 25:25       Donation total - $11,939.80
Montour Trail Half-Marathon (13.1 mi) - 1:56:32
Red Carpet Run (5K) - 25:05
Gopher the Gold (10K) - 55:12
Pittsburgh Cure Sarcoma Walk/Run (5K) - 25:15
Volkslaufe (10K) - 55:21
Caledonia Kilt Klassic (5K) - 24:20
RHGYC Trail Run (5K) - 24:28
Kona Run (10K) - 51:22
Fifth Third River Bank Run (10K) - 51:37
MOM 5K Walk/Run (5K) - 24:14
Run with the Cops, not from Them (5K) - 24:32
Passion for Life (5K) - 26:27